I tell everyone I date, that one day i will have land (passed down by inheritance) and one day i will build a house on it and live there. I have been designing, redesigning and creating home/garden/pool plans since I was young for this exact purpose.
My grandma died a few years ago and the land was left to me. I tell jeremy that i want to start putting real plans in place to work our way out there. His response 'I can't dream with you' the words are scarred deeply into my heart.
We were driving one day, we werent very far out of Morgantown when he spied a house on a hill surrounded by open land. He said "Can you imagine living this far out?" To which i quickly responded "Yeah absolutely, get a couple of horses and garden and you wouldn't need to drive into town much.." and he was surprised that I didn't even need to think about it. He was asking incredulously because he couldn't imagine living that way. That was 7 years ago. We should've had a discussion then but like so much, i just let it go.
He promised he would learn to ballroom dance with me...10 years ago. Ive let that go too.
I asked him if he liked me, he said he did. When i asked why he said it was because I'm fun. He's largely annoyed by most of my antics and things I ask him to do with me are left ignored or are met with disinterest. How fun am I if we never do anything Im interested in? Am I only fun because I appease you and what you want to do? Am I fun because I tamper myself to avoid receiving your disapproval?
When he communicates, he talks AT me. Like im just a wall to hear his voice and agree with what he's saying. When i present my opinion, it has lead to arguments. How the hell do you have a conversation with someone that gets mad whe you have an opinion that differs from theirs?! You dont! You speak little, respond politely and give them your attention, otherwise they accuse you of being uninterested and make you feel bad about it. Also something I let go of.
Im never correct about something. I rarely have good ideas. If he doesn't understand it immediately, he gets upset when I explain it and then describes at great length how its not a good idea or that it wont work for the following list of reasons or even why the idea he has is better. Unless he hears it from someone else - if he hears it from someone else, there's credibility suddenly.
He shat on my business idea. Instead of getting support, i was met with a sea of constantly changing suggestions that i rarely and reluctantly asked for. Fucking ludicrous.
He cant dream with me. He doesnt dream of building a home. He dreams of living somewhere just outside of a bigger city to be able to visit it and the surrounding areas often. Yet has no plan for how to do that. So we just keep getting by and hope that one day our low to moderte incomes will will afford us the luxury of whatever idea he has?
I told him on a couple of occasions, i would be willing to work extra and pay for everything while he gets an education if he wanted to get a degree because he's talked bout it before. He's never made the decision.
He knows what jewelry I like. He knows what to order for me from any fast food restaurant. He cooks and experiments with new recipes. He cleans up a lot. He also makes many trips to the grocery store to make sure we are stocked. I would trade any of them for intimacy. Not physical intimacy just people that talk and joke together. Cuddling and not rejecting or negging. I would pay for him to tell me im pretty and mean it. When he says i love you it sounds like a struggle to get the words out. I just want to feel like im valuable to him. Im so fucking sad.
