We were doing so well.

When living, things happen. Some things you can expect and others you dont. Still some can be prepared for while others simply cannot.
Why do you get so much opposition from me when asking a hypothetical question? Because hypothetically, anything can happen.
The idea is that we throw everything out there, work out the problems we can, prepare as much as we can for possible snares and plan best we can for everything else.
Hope is shit-bird that parades as angel so it can fuck you over. I'm not so stupid as to believe that because i want something to go right that it will. In fact, thats generally far from the truth.
Opposition is how i work things out.

Less and less

I know you come here every now and then. I wonder what you've cone to expect. I write less and less here because my insecurities of our relationship become less and less. Sounds like a good thing, yeah? Well, not so much. You see, you've gone a planted a seed of doubt and once youve buried on of those bastards in they can be almost impossible to dig out. From here its usually a slow decline. Generally more seeds get planted until we're wandering in a huge fucking orchard of bullshit.
Trust is delicate.
I dont take things with a grain of salt.
I will not 'let go' easily.
I will take to heart less and less of what you say.....over time, even the I love you's.
Words become less and less important.
Eventually speaking will become unnecessary.
Im sick and tired of being right about these things. I'd like to be proven wrong for once.
Please prove me wrong.

So much for being understanding

You know how i know it would never work with anyone else? Because its not even a thought or consideration or comparison. I dont have to wonder if there would ever be anyone else because my heart has chosen you. Not because of things like distance, personal growth and change in personage. I didnt realize at the time you were telling me that my feelings were being hurt. I was too busy focusing on being there for you. Now i feel by telling you this, that you wont want to share with me in the future. Which tears me up because i like that we share. I wasnt prepared i guess.
I was just going to bury it and never say anything but it would have eaten me up inside ......like it currently is. I'll try to forget about it and move on. I don't want to talk about it. I had a dream that we tried talking about it and fought. I walked away, you let me, i woke up.

Puma

You havent said it in a long time. Im guessing its because you arent afraid to tell me you love me now :) does that mean you fell for me earlier than previously disclosed? It would delight me to no end if that were true but im super happy either way.
Its getting easier (because im doing it more often) to think of you and imagine a future. Both as to build trust and escape the various pains im discovering that have become my life.
I see clearly in these future glimpses all the reasons why i have this constant, underlying depression. Sometimes i see so clear that i think i might not be sad anymore but then comes the self doubt and weak inner speak....i defeat my own growth and good. How can i possibly be any good for you?
If its true that we are mirrors of each other, you make me like me. I'll keep working at it and i'll keep fighting my inability to trust and sadness.
I'll do anything and everything for you. I love you..

Bravery and my lack thereof

I didnt want to tell you that I needed you tonight....

Dont let me screw this up..

Hey love,
I keep having these daymares (like a daydream- only terrible) its sad when even the good people in your life put you ill at ease.
By being with you, im discovering things about myself. I realize that I have emotional wounds that aren't healed.  I realize that part of me is afraid of a successful relationship because i've only ever known failures. I realize constantly that I need to experience you more to really know you.
I wonder sometimes if I really know you. Its the part of me that can't seem to trust (on any level) that causes me to think..."he could tell me anything and what? I just believe whatever comes out? How is that healthy?"
I guess when you get lied to as much as I have been and have observed people you love getting hurt often, its hard to shake the idea that anyone out there is out for your good or even worth the time when found.
We're in an ideal situation with each other and I really think the only problem is me. Sometimes when these thoughts are too much and I feel like they're overwhelming me......I want to call you and end us. I want to spare you the pain of a failed longterm relationship. I want to spare you the gut wrenching torture that is to have love and lose it.
It occurs to me just before im lost in the childish throws of giving up that you love me....you tell me you love me, you show me you love me and I believe that...if I believe that you love me, I trust you. If I trust you, I can't turn away from you. I now have a need in you for my completion and I won't ever know if im complete if I don't give us the best of me.
We're in it. There are risks and they are worth it. You are worth the risk of my heart breaking.
                               Yours,
                                  Sarah