oh well

Ive been working so hard on myself, to be better. To not be depressed. 

You havent done shit. Fuck you. 

I hate that when i leave you rarely message and when you do you never ask where i am or if im safe. It makes me feel worthless all over again. You're holding me back and i let you. I fucking hate it. Im really done.

broken

I feel like im dying. My chest hurts and im struggling to breathe from time to time. My eyes burn and my face stings from the crying and when im alone in my car i cant stop screaming so my throat is all fucked up now too. 

This is so predictable. No amount of me expressing how your words and actions make me feel will change anything. I keep repeating this process where i find someone as broken as me and they learn a lot from being with me, so much that i am no longer necessary. They leave with knowledge of how to do and be better and i am left trying to relearn to trust and love again. Same cycle, different face. 

Ive always known that you were never in love with me. I know sometimes you have felt genuine deep care but you never allowed yourself to be mine. Always kept your secrets and your distance even when a safe and loving environment was always available and waiting for you but that's my curse i guess. Here to help but never to be enough. I feel like im dying. My chest hurts and im struggling to breate at times but it doesnt matter, it never did really. Congratulations on your new life. You dont know it yet this is all so predictable for me because ive been here before.

i dont feel important

You know I have trust issues and yet you are secretive and you lie.

You know I have financial concerns and you kept your finances hidden away while I tell you everything. 

I pay all the bills, a majority of the food budget and my half of the rent so you can pay on your loans, car payment and insurance.

I put gas in the car and have helped with repairs.

I reassure you. I compliment you daily be it for fathering, looking nice, being a great cook or being clever or doing something well with work.

I am met with stiff lips. It feels like rejection.

I beg for you to tell me im pretty by either asking how i look or quite literally posing, arms outstretched for your approval. 

Your response feels forced because i had to initiate it...it also feel like rejection.

Compliments arent your thing? Service is you love language? Ok, ive started doing more around the house, picking up, getting rid of things. Trying to meet you on your level, that doesnt work either, still no intimacy. 

Emotionally, there is little intimacy between us. I need that to feel like i can be sexual. I need to feel like i can trust you, trust is intimacy. Trust is sexy. Trust brings me closer, makes me feel confident and makes me want to be better.

Without it, im falling apart and you are watching. Sometimes you even disappear, giving me 'space' I never asked for. 

Why the fuck are we toghter?

sometimes I want to talk

I want to tell someone that cares about my feelings and self discoveries because they are important but you make me feel like they need to be corrected. You invalidate me, just like everyone else. 

dad

Why couldn't I have a dad that cared. Why was I not enough. Why didnt my mother care enough? Ive always asked if there was something I did wrong but it was simply existing. I wasn't planned, I was an accident. I know because I was told as much. I wish I had parents that cared like I care for my daughter. Part of me also has to parent myself like it always has but I can fail me ...I can't fail her. She is worth the would, I hope she knows it. 

I have so much hate but also so much love. 

im scared.

I woke up crying today. I feel incredibly low. Its dangerous for me to get this low and this is moreso a warning to myself because I know I have a lot to live for. In these moments where the weight of all my losses is overwhelming, its difficult to see the value in my life. Its difficult to see anything good. I think Julia is the only thing anchoring me now. If she weren't here, I would've left you already and maybe I wouldn't have let myself get so low. Im lost. Im scared. I wish you wanted me. I wish I was worthy of your interest and care. I'd give up having the trash taken out and cooked meals to hear you tell me im pretty once a week. Id give up all the well thought out plans and grocery trips for you to just want to be near me. I hate that I become so attached in relationships. Emotional support would be great because im falling apart and I have been for quite some time. Remember? I told you last year. I keep telling you but its my fault for expecting you to care. You'd think I'd have learned by now.